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Aliceism's and Other Insights.

Updated: Sep 6, 2020

When told we need to get a move on because we are late for school

“I stay home today. I’m dead” (Lies on floor face down).

When asked if she could just try to calm down a bit:

“No Mummy. Please help me..... I can’t stop dancing” (continues to bust out her signature moves).

When asked to put some underpants on:

“I will never EVER put my Cha Cha away”!

When asked if she could please just be good at school today:

“Maybe yes…..Maybe No……I don’t know”. (Shrugs shoulders with palms to the ceiling).

6am at my bedside her face inches from mine.

“Help me ! I can’t find my duck. I’m sad”.

Just after “adult time” with my husband, Alice shouts from her bedroom:

“Mummy!!! Are you ok? What jus’ happened “????

Greg asking Alice is she’s OK in the bath:

“Yeah. I’m just washing my ass and boobies”.

A week later when I ask her if she’s nearly finished in the bath:

“No. I still washing my penis and armpits”.

Shouting through the door when her poor brother is trying to shower in peace:

“Wash your penis!!!”

When trying to take a shit in peace:

“Mummy? Can I brush your hair while you poo”?

When asking Alice why she’s sad:

“My throat hurts. I think a poo coming”.

After a particularly difficult toilet incident:

"Thank you for wiping my ass Mummy. I app-ee-cee-ate that".

On telling Alice that she is so funny and she must get it from me:

“No. I get it from K Mart”!

When asked if she all set for school:

“Yep. I ready. Got my poo. Got my duck”

On finishing a 5km jog pushing Alice in her buggy:

“Whooo weee! (theatrically wipes her brow) That was HARD work. I’m a bit sweaty”.

After being told she has a secret for me and I must lean in close to hear it:

“Smell my poo breath paaaaaaaaaah”!!!

Randomly walks into the kitchen and states

“I like your face Mummy”.

Sleeping in my bed and intentionally wakes me at 3am to tell me:

“I love you one hundred million and sixty eight, Old Lady”.

Random declaration for no apparent reason:

“You no have a penis Mum. You have a Cha Cha”.

When George got all worked up over something minor:

"Settle down Sweetheart. Deep breaths".

When I forgot her meds one morning:

“Medicine!!!! Mum forgot. Bloody hell”. (Complete with comedy face palm)

On releasing a pretty impressive fart:

“Oh my gawd!!! You hear my bottom? It say “prrrtft prrrtft prrrrrft”!!!

On asking Alice if she was having a good day:

“No. I’m dead”.

On arriving home from school:

“Take me shoes off and smell my stinky feet, you grumpy Old Witch”

Talking to a large white coconut scented candle:

“Hey Google. Please play Baby Shark”.

Playing pretend shopping with my handbag and handing her Dad some imaginary money:

“Here's five bucks Dad. Buy yourself a sausage roll”

At the breakfast table whilst her Dad is drinking coffee and checking his e mails:

“Your’e my fat hero, Dad”.

On walking into a door:

“Im OK. Nobody panic”.

When attempting to blow out an incense stick after finishing a rendition of Happy Birthday:

“Hip Hip Hooray! Hip Hip Hooray”

Shouting out in her sleep:

“Boom shacka lacka!”

On being told she will have to wait a bit longer to wear a bra.

“Tomorrow? I get boobies tomorrow”?

When asked by Greg not to stand on her I Pad:

“OK OK!!! You alcoholic!”

When asked how her day at school was:

“I kissed Lucas. He cried. I chased him, he ran”

Another occasion when asked how her day at school was:

“ I kissed Archie. I did a massive poo”

Shouting from the toilet:

“My poo looks like a snake! Heeeeelp” (On inspection it did indeed look like a snake)

When asked what she wants for Christmas:

Alice: Justin Beiber”.

Me: A Justin Beiber t shirt or you want his music?

Alice: Justin Beiber!

Me: What the person? You want actual Justin Beiber?

Alice: Yep. I wan acull Justin Beiber.

When George runs at her with his arsenal of Nerf guns and says in his best Al Pacino voice "Say hello to my little friend"

"Hewo wittle fend" and kisses his Semi Automatic Nerf.

When her Dad farted outside her bedroom door and we thought she was asleep:

“Oh my gawd, Greg. It smells like seaweed”

One being told her room is a mess:

"Whatever Mum"

On seeing my exasperated face at her endless hyperactivity:

“Don’t be like that Mum. Calm down. Deep breaths. 1….2….3… See? Better” (runs off and continues insanely hyperactive behavior).

When attempting to open the front door with my handbag over her shoulder:

“I have to go now. You will never ever see me again”.


Other random incidents of note:

* Often our mornings start with a meltdown but today Alice treated me to a nudey rendition of The Hokey Cokey. It was an oddly welcome change.

* Sometimes I see how far Alice has come and it’s like anything is possible. Then I remember she’s 7 years old and still thinks if she closes her eyes she becomes invisible and that her Dad can steal and replace her nose.

* So todays laugh was learning that when Alice says "Oven" it sounds more like "Arsehole". The kitchen timer went off and Alice told me it was time to take the cakes out my arsehole!

* Incredible speech gains this week include "Mummy internet not working" and "Mummy!!! George gave me a wedgie".

She was right both times. The internet had indeed crapped out and her undies had been yanked up her butt crack by her brother.

*There are days when I’m just in awe of Alice’s intelligence and development. There are also days when she applies suncream over the top of her clothes. Today was one of those days.

* Alice just said Goodnight to her own vagina. I'm not even sure what to make of that.

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