George (freaking out): Mummy, Mummy! Quick there is a really bad smell in my room, Quickly Mummy pleeeeeease.
Me: I cant smell anything.
George (still freaking out) : Its under my desk, its horrible. Quickly Mummy.
(So I crawl under his desk where he has been sat playing on his computer and take a nice big breath of air into my lungs),
Me: Holy crap George, that's revolting. Have you been farting?
George: Yes I have, quite a lot. But whats that awful smell?
Me : Are you serious? Its your arse George!
George (light bulb comes on): Oh yeah, it probably is.
George : When I grow up I want to run as fast as Insane Bolt.
Me: That would certainly be cool.
Me: So George how was the Aboriginal Dance Theatre that came to your school? Was it good?
George: They smelt of fish fingers.
Me: (Open mouth, no words came out)
George: Mummy do you really have eyes in the back of your head?
Me: Yep, I told you George I see everything and I have eyes everywhere.
George: Even in your bum?
Me: Eerm, yep, I do. Even in my bum.
George: Dont you get poo in them?
Me: Tidy your room.
Not sure how many times I can explain to George that a Great White Shark is not the same as a Big White Shark. I swear he just thinks I'm being pedantic every time I correct him.
George: Mummy? Can you juggle with sausages?
WTF????
George : Mummy I am a grown up you know.........I am just a small grown up with baby teeth.
Me : Glad we got that straight. Now do you need me to wipe your bum or not?
Collected a rather down and distracted George from Pre School today. He informed me that he took the plunge and asked Caitlyn to marry him (he is 4) but she declined. I told him I was sorry and asked if Caitlyn felt perhaps she was too young or if there was someone else involved. Apparently Caitlyn has been married twice before and from now on she will only be marrying her Mummy. George is understandably a bit deflated.
Me: George!!! Stop throwing things indoors. I have told you enough times, when will you learn?
George: Next year in Pre Primary Mummy. Thats when the real learning starts.
Playing shops with George this morning and he sold me a pretend ice cream for $35,000.00. He only wants cash (lots of coins apparently) and if I dont pay he is going to "bomb the house".
George: Smell my bum, Mummy. Its like banana milkshake perfection.
Me: What???
Today George advised me that if a snake goes into space it needs a special helmet suit to go over its head. And a secondary back up suit over its cage, in case the first doesn't work.
It seems eating orange scented soap is not something George will repeat. Apparently it smelt of oranges, is coloured like an orange and the first bite was a bit orangey but after that it was "very yucky". Thinking perhaps I might need to spend a bit more time and thought answering my kids questions in future.
George : Why is Daddy not at work today.
Me : Because its a special holiday day called Good Friday.
George : Does that mean I cant be naughty today?
Me : Yes George, well done! Thats exactly what it means.
(Why was I not smart enough to think of that myself?)
Mothers Day began with George telling me that "Daddy" would be in with my breakfast shortly but in the meantime he had saved up a fart for me.
Mothers Day ended with him asking me to check his ass because it hurt and me removing a piece of a board game from his butt hole.
First conversation of the day.
Me (through Georges closed bedroom door) : Morning George, how are you?
George: I am in my room with my rubber gloves on. I will be out later.
Me: Take all the time you need.
George: Mummy, why isnt that little boy moving?
Me : Because hes a mannequin, Honey.
So yesterday George asks me turn him into a frog. He tells me he has seen it on TV and it can be done, its easy and I "have to do it". I tried to explain that my powers do not extend to turning children into frogs but by this time he is jumping up and down saying "Pleeeease Mummy Pleeeease".
"Ah ha" I thought, "I get what hes up to. He wants me to pretend to do it and he will leap off round the room making frog noises and we will all laugh and George can be a frog for the day".
So with my best theatrical effort I shout "Iggerty Ziggerty Zaggerty Zog, George Underwood you are a FROG! " I leap in the air and pretend to throw a spell at him and punctuate it with a big BANG which will hopefully signal George to begin his frogginess.
George, who is waiting patiently, looks at his feet, then his arms and says very seriously "Oh, that didn't work did it Mummy"?
"Apparently not" I said.
"Its OK, you tried" and off he skulked to his room.
I don't think I have ever felt such a huge disappointment to someone in my life.
Trying to explain to George that hitting is not good as he told Alice he was going to hit her and throw her in the bin. I said that one day bigger people come along and hit harder.
George : And would they hit so hard my head would come off?
Me: Eeerm maybe
George: and would it go BANG and explode, like a bomb?
Me: I dont know honey.
George: and would my brain come out in the explosion?
Me : Lets just agree not to hit Alice or put her in the bin.
George: and would I be dead?
Me: Right who wants Peppa Pig?
George has requested that I no longer go into his room and remove his rubber gloves after he is asleep. Do I respect his wishes or do I sneak them off and hope he thinks they fell off by themselves? This is a dilemma I did not see myself having at any point in my life.
So today George tells me he wants to go "looking for sticks". So off we go to the park where he finds a "very big stick", he asks me to hold his "big stick" whilst loudly telling others at the park how he loves "sticks" and do they want to see and even play with his "lovely big stick".
Why is this funny?
Because George cannot pronounce the sound "St", he pronounces it as D.
So for his birthday George wants a Shrinking Machine a Freeze Ray and a Fart Gun. Letting him watch Despicable Me, three times in two days has clearly left its mark.
Not sure what was worse yesterday. The fact that George farted and followed through or the fact that he felt the need to tell our elderly neighbour who was dropping off some home made marmalade.
"and it just splatted out my bottom"
I let out a big sigh without realising it and George says "Whats up Mummy"?
I said "Nothing George I just seem to spend my life tidying up"
To which he replied "Wow......thats pretty sad.......and very boring".
Couldnt have said it better myself.
George: MUMMY!!! Look what I can do? If I think really hard (pulls concentrating face) I can move my bum cheeks with out my hands!!!!
Me: Wow thats amazing George, can you show me again?
George: No because I just farted and that isnt ment to happen.
Had not anticipated the "do babies come out your bum hole"? question quite so soon. No it wasnt from my husband.
George tells me Alice will walk by the time she is three.
He also tells me he will help other children wipe their bottoms when he starts school next year, that eating stones will give you tummy ache, that there is a space ship at the park in Secret Harbour (but it doesnt have a lid) and that you cant eat bum cheeks as they are too chewy.
Frankly, you cant beat a good conversation with George.
Time to get healthy so this morning I step on the scales not realising George was lurking behind me and heard me gasp "Oh crap" when I saw the numbers.
George: Whats wrong Mummy?
Me: Oh nothing George, Mummies just getting a bit fat thats all.
George: Fat like Daddy?
Me: I love you.
I would like to publicly apologise to my 3 year old for ignoring the height and age restrictions on the jumbo hydroslide at the swimming pool, and telling him what a great idea it would be to go down it on Mummies lap. I would further like to apologise for then losing my balance at the top and falling face first into said hydroslide whilst holding my terrified three year olds hand and dragging him in after me. Despite falling backwards, upside down and basically arse over elbow all the way to the bottom, while I spun like a beetle in a toilet bowl, he managed to simply look terrified and not utter a word. Upon emerging at the bottom with a mouth full of water and a bump on his head I would like to congratulate George on not crying but simply looking a bit stunned. Finally after many many apologies from me I want to praise George for telling me it was Ok as he knew it was an "acc-a-dent". He did however point out it wouldn't have happened with Daddy and I shouldn't do it "ever ever again".
George: Mummy will Alice ever get bigger? (He means will she do more, play, walk etc).
Me: Eeeerm I hope so honey, maybe.
George: Do you think she will stop wriggling so I could cuddle her one day?
How do you deal with that one?
So yesterday we took George to the supermarket to pick himself out a new pair of rubber gloves. After much serious thought we went for a green pair with a smooth silver inner. He has not owned a green pair before and was very pleased to obtain a new colour for his collection. He desperately wanted them straight away but we compromised on him holding the packet until we had paid. As we left the shop and walked out into the mall, George pleaded that he wear them to the car. So there in front of hundreds of people I placed two adult green rubber gloves on my 3 year old sons hands. Greg had walked off crippled with embarrassment by this point and just when I thought it couldn't get any worse, George says at the top of his voice "Ooh Wow! Thank you Mummy its so good to have these back. They feel lovely". Australia.....welcome to my son.
Today we are in IKEA and George needs the loo. Greg has Alice so off we go to the Ladies. Me and George are both in a cubicle doing what needs to be done and a woman in the next cubicle lets rip, I assume by accident.
George (squealing with excitement at the top of his voice) : MUMMY, MUMMY!!! That lady made a BIG fart!!!
Me (whispering) : Ssssssh Honey, I know she did but we'll talk later.
George (full volume): But why are you whispering? Mummy? MUMMY TALK TO ME! That lady made air with her bottom, its funny!!! It went like this......Paaaaarp!!!
Me (head in hands muttering): Why? Why does this happen to me?
This was followed by the lady in the next cubicle hurriedly exiting and me making all sorts of excuses to delay us walking out until she was long gone.
After an entire day of dressing George and him stripping off 5 minutes later, I discovered what can only be described as brown nugget, by the back door.
Me : George, you wanna come and tell me what this is on the floor?
George: Eeeerm a poo?
Me : Yep its a poo alright. Do you know who did it?
George : A dinosaur.
Me : Its very small for a dinosaur.
George : A baby dinosaur?
Me : Do you think maybe its yours?
George : It just fell out!!!
George said to me today:
"Mummy, my dinosaur breaths fire and roars. You must never put your hand near his mouth or it will burn and your skin will come off and you will get ulcers and your fingers will break".
Later today I hear him in the back of the car say to Alice:
"Alice my dinosaur breaths fire and roars, put your hand near his mouth".
George: When does your birthday begin Mummy?
Me : Its all day George, it began when we woke up.
George: Well why arn't you wearing a hat then?
6.15am a face appears by my bed.
George: Mummy I just farted.
Me : Thats nice dear, can you go back to bed?
George: No, it was loud, it woke me up.
Off for the interview with the Principle of the school that we hope to get George accepted for this afternoon. List of instructions for George have been discussed as follows:
* Do not fart.
* If you do fart say "Pardom Me" not "MUMMY I farted, how cool is that"?
* Do not say "I am a little bit weird" if they ask how you are.
* Do not refer to Alice as a "nut bag".
* Do not ask to be nudey.
* Do not attempt to get nudey.
* Do not get angry if I say you cant be nudey.
* Do not say "Mummy needs alcohol" at any point.
Today George learnt why we dont go on the trampoline when we have an dodgy tummy. "It just fell out Mummy".
Dont get "Georgisms" nearly as much nowadays, but when we do, he is still on top form.
Today he tells me that next doors chickens have had a fight with one another and one was hurt so bad you could "see his bacon through his feathers".
Best part of my entire weekend away was George being a smart ass and putting emu food around the camp fire. Despite being specifically told not to, he did it anyway. Next thing I know George is in full melt down as a massive Emu has crept up behind him, leant over his head and eaten his much coverted hash brown clean out his hands. George screamed and sobbed and I very nearly leaked some wee.
Georgism of the year so far:
"Daddy I'll tell you something........ (leans in to impart his wisdom to Gregs lowered ear) .......All girls LOVE meat"!
WTF?
Me: Thanks for all your help with Alice today, honey. I cant tell you how much it means to me.
George: Why not?
Me: Why not what?
George: Why cant you tell me? Is it a secret?
Me: Sorry George I forgot you are only 5.
George: Actually Im 5 and a half and still growing. Please can you tell me?
Off to see The LEGO Movie Part 2 with George.
George: I can’t wait to see it Mum apparently there’s a Shit Shaper in it!
Me: A what?
George: You know a thing that changes shape. A Shit Shaper.
Me: Do you mean Shape Shifter?
George: Eerm yeah that makes more sense
Alice: George!!! Spell "Butthole". Spell it now!
George: Stop being a ‘Gina.
Alice: Pancake head.
And to think people doubted the caliber of children I would raise.
Remember when I used to post Georgisms all the time, then he grew up and they became few and far between? Well after a long break he came back with one that really worth the wait.
George: "If Elastigirl had a baby, could she just pull it out really easily"?
Me: "Where on earth did that just come from"?????
To all the parents watching the St Bernadette’s School Colour Run today. That daft kid that ran into a pole and now has a concussion, yep that was mine. Why is my family so dysfunctional ? I swear to god we are like the fucking Munsters 🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
Alice walks into the lounge.
George spontaneously breaks into song "Hello Darkness My Old Friend......"
I snorted.
George: Mum look what I made with my bare hands!!!
Me: OMG just imagine what you could have done with your human hands.
George: You’re a weird Mum.
George asked me the difference between a murderer and a serial killer. I told him serial killers only kill after breakfast. It’s the little things that get me through the day.
George: Mum are churches open on a Sunday?
Me: Is this a serious question?
George: Mum, you really do look like Alice.......just not as disabled.
At the doctors with the kids and they are playing together in the play area while I talk to the nurse.
Me: Thank you so much for looking after Alice for me George, you did a great job.
George (in top volume): Thats Ok Mummy but I have pooed my undies so we'd better go now.
Me: How the hell did that happen?
George: Oh I just farted and laughed at the same time and it kinda flew out.
Que me walking through the waiting room with everybody either laughing, smirking into their magazines or just looking at me in horror.
When helping George with his reading and explaining how "been" and "bean" differ and yet are spelt the same, I ask if he has any questions.
George: Yes. If you shot someone with a bean instead of a bullet would it kill them or just tear their skin open? It would be a special gun that fires beans and not soft beans but really hard ones? Would you die?
Me: OK, time for bed.
George has clearly been spending too much time with his Dad. Yesterday we are walking round the supermarket and George is holding onto one of my fingers. I assume its because he wants to hold hands but doesnt want to appear too keen. After about 5 minutes he looks at me and says:
"Mummy, I have been pulling your finger for ages now and you still havent farted"!!
I was inside, George was outside and he runs face first into the closed glass sliding doors. Judge me all you want but my god it was funny.
Things I learnt today:
1/ The words "Don't go in the sea past your knees Honey, we are just paddling today" is heard in a three year olds head as "Quick Honey, run into the sea fully clothed before I can put my bag down and stop you".
2/ Throwing seaweed can entertain a child for approx 38 minutes.
3/ George can only run with his tongue out.
4/ A kids tolerance to bloody cold sea water is a lot better than mine.
5/ As quick as you tuck a childs butt cheek back into wet undies, the other will soon pop out.
6/ When given a flower by your son because he "lubs" you, first check it for ants before you place it behind your ear.
George in the swimming pool today:
"Mummy one day will Alice swim with me? I can stop her going under water and push her on a board. Alice would splash a bit though. Then we can ride our bikes together but not underwater because they would fall to pieces".
Wise words.
And I saved the best for last ..........
So I made a decision a while back to stop sharing "Georgisms". Hes getting older now and I have to respect his privacy and taking the piss out of my son for a quick laugh on social media is really not great parenting. But theres a been one lately that even my husband said "Fuck his privacy Honey, you have to share that one"! So here goes.
A couple of weeks back he told me off the cuff that when he fiddled with his nipples it makes him want to throw up. As any truly responsible and understanding parent would, I maintained a completely straight face and told him, that wasn't remotely weird or out of the normal, but perhaps it was best not done in future if it made him want to spew. He agreed that nipple fiddling wasn't his thing and we left it at that. I spent the next two weeks forcing myself not to share this gem publicly and until today I succeeded.
This morning I took George to swimming and as Im dealing with a pretty shitty cold, I had a big coughing fit in the car and I couldn't actually go anywhere for a few minutes. I couldn't catch my breath and was clearly in some distress and my wonderful considerate, almost 9 year old son, puts his hand on my back and says "Its Ok Mum if you feel sick. I can fiddle with my nipples if you like so I feel sick too".
Not only did snot fly from my nose onto the steering wheel but I nearly died from lack of oxygen as I gasped for air whilst coughing and laughing at the same time.
I, without a doubt, have the best fucking son on the planet.