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Lockdown Series. Quarantine and Intimate Injuries.


I was going to post about this latest comedic disaster as part of my weekly Lockdown Series but the more I think about it, the more deserves its own post.

Firstly, I swear I do not make this shit up and the events that befall my family on a regular basis, astound me as much as they probably do you and secondly if I sound like Im laughing about this now, I wasn't this morning. Far from it.


The day began well. We all had banana pancakes for breakfast and I decided we'd ease up on school work until next week when I was emotionally a bit more stable, because the world ending is starting to get to me more than I realised. With this in mind me and Alice spent the morning busting out our signature moves to her Spotify Playlist and George played Bey Blades in his room. At some point Alice decides to run full pelt across the lounge and kind of trips over/stands on a plastic play tray. You know the ones that are like those trays you have for breakfast in bed? Well this was a

K Mart version for kids to put I pads or colouring books on and they put it over their laps.

As soon as Alices foot makes contact with it the whole thing splinters into long glass like shards and as she falls forward, wearing only a t shirt and underpants, she lands privates first into the upwards pointing splintered plastic. Now I knew instantly it was bad because she screamed "Cha Cha" which is what she calls her lady bits and she threw herself on me for hugs. Alice NEVER hugs when hurt. In her brain pain is translated as anger, so she bites herself, bites or hits me or will attack the nearest person. When shes calmed down and processed it she will hug, but never initially. So for her to throw herself at me for help was not a good sign. And then it got a whole lot worse, quickly. Suddenly she was wet, and I mean really wet. Blood was pouring out of her undies and running down her legs. We had no time to look for exactly where she was cut so we grabbed a nappy to try and soak up some of the blood and threw her in the car. My initial thought was she'd cut an artery as I had no idea if it had cut her inner thigh and a major blood vessel or she'd managed a bullsye shot to the "Cha Cha" or god forbid up her bum.

We get to A&E who take one look at a panicked and teary 5'1" woman with an 8 year old in a blood red nappy on her hip and we were busted out to the back to a room without question. Greg and George followed in a separate car in case this was a surgery situation and we'd need to return home for her meds and wheelchair etc.

It took six staff and Greg almost half an hour to calm Alice enough and get some Fentanyl up her nose and a look at the damage. With out going into all the graphic details, she's taken a direct hit to the most sensitive part of the female anatomy. Clue: I think we found it because the staff were all female. It was more of a stab/puncture wound than a slice so no stitches were needed, and as it had finally stopped bleeding by about an hour after she did it, they decided we could forego surgery and a trip to the Childrens Hospital in the city. I'm told that part of the body heals really well and as long as she doesn't loose anymore blood or get an infection we just wait this out.

So the whole time I'm looking over one shoulder for a deadly virus to bite her on the ass, a plastic tray table has crept up and bitten her on the Cha Cha. I just did not see that coming.

Best part of the whole event was when they gave her a toy bear for being so brave (ie not being brave, but being hysterical and needing sedation) and she decided to call it Bear-gina, as in Vagina. Thankfully her humour is in tact even if her front bottom is less than amused.

So the rest of the day has been at home in bed, watching The Wiggles and cuddling Beargina.


But the fun doesnt end there, its now late afternoon and she hasn't peed since before this happened. We've tried showers and luke warm baths and lots of hand holding and encouragement but the poor girl is scared to death of how much its going to hurt. As such the last hour has not been good and the tummy ache is setting in. She is distraught and inconsolable. Not really sure what to do and kind of hoping it will sort itself out the minute she gets sleepy but if not Ill no doubt have an interesting bladder infection story to followup with shortly.


So if you think your Homeschool/Lockdown day is going badly, once again I outdid you. I stuck my fingers up to you, bent over and showed you my bare arse. I win. In fact I think today Team Underwood may just of outdone themselves completely and unless George sticks his willy in the Thermomix tomorrow, Im not sure how we top this.




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