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Team Underwood Lockdown Part Four.

Updated: Apr 10, 2020

Saturday 28th March

I had great plans for today. I was going to finish packing some things for our non existent house move, then clean and scrub the outside studio so it was one less thing to deal with when we do (or don't as the case maybe) move out. I was going to go for a run, do some weights in the garden and if I had time, I was going to sort through the endless pile of paperwork that I have been ignoring on my desk.

Instead I spent most of my day at Perth Childens Hospital trying to establish why Alice is screaming blue murder every time she pees. After a relatively uneventful drive to the city, all hell broke loose in A&E when Alice decided to loose her shit completely, throw herself backwards out of her wheelchair and attempt to bite off one of my fingers like an enraged chimp. When I tried to pick her and her chair up off the floor she loudly and proudly told me to go fuck myself. Yes she literally said that and despite her difficulties in her annunciations, I can assure you swear words for Alice are as clear as glass. One benefit of a child in a wheelchair going bat shit crazy, swearing like a sailor and endangering herself and others is that you don't wait in Emergency Departments. So much like on Wednesday, we were taken one look at and scurried out the back before the freak show that is Team Underwood could really get underway. I then spent the next few hours blowing up latex gloves, singing Wiggles songs with cardboard vomit bowls on my head and thinking of various ways to convince Alice what fun it would be to let complete strangers inspect her privates and then pee in a cup. And when I say "in a cup" in mean mainly all over my hand.

Long story short, everything appears to be ok and is apparently healing nicely but we are now most likely dealing with that bladder infection I so cleverly predicted in Wednesdays blog post. So we await cultures from the lab early next week as the results were "inconclusive".

On the up side it distracted me from the shit show that is COVID19 and the multiple cruise ships now docked in the waters off WA. The virus is running rife through several ships and there is nowhere to send the passengers other than to local hospitals. So its now anticipated that when Western Australia cases suddenly skyrocket (as they will) our hospitals will already be at breaking point with cruise ship passengers from Europe and America. Now I know this wont make me popular, and I really couldn't care, but unless these people have been on these bloody crusies for more than 6 weeks, then every single one of them boarded knowing this was going on. Yet another example of the "I wont let this spoil my holiday" and the "Its no worse than flu" brigade putting the need to not be inconvenienced over doing the right thing. I'll leave it at that.

Confirmed cases in Australia today are at 3,635 and in WA its 278 with an estimated 55 more coming off a cruise ship today.


Sunday 29th March

I mentioned a few weeks back in my very first post that we were going into a semi lockdown and limited social contact to not only ensure Alice doesn't get sick, but to make sure me and Greg didn't because, if we do, who the hell can care for Alice? With this Corona thing moving at a terrifying pace, it suddenly dawned on me that I need a detailed action plan should the worst happen. Without some sort of "Alice Manual" who will know what meds she needs, in what amounts and when? What foods raise glycine and what meds cant be given at the same time as her other meds? Who will know which ones go on an empty stomach and which ones with food because if you get that wrong you can have hours of screaming in agony as her stomach lining burns away? Who will know what food chemicals trigger her behaviors, which ones make her aggressive and which ones cause phenomenal gastric issues? Who will know what medications can make her condition worse and yet are routinely given by uninformed medical staff? The list just goes on and on.

So its not quite the same as writing a Will but bloody hell things must be bad if I'm resigned to the fact I need a written care plan for my daughter in case both me and Greg are incapacitated at once. I'm aware that some of you may be thinking "What about George"? and yes of course Id be terrified for him too but in terms of just keeping him ticking over and someone stepping in to look after him for a few weeks, its simple. If you fuck up with Alice, the fall out will be catastrophic.

Australia is now just shy of four thousand cases at 3,969 with 311 in WA. The death toll here is still at just 16, which just shows how bad it is the world over if I can talk about "just 16" people dying.


Monday 30th March

Twenty things I have learnt so far in Lockdown:


1/ The most appropriate Lockdown attire is "Acitive Wear". Its a perfect happy medium between staying in ones pjs and getting dressed. It allows freedom of movement and is easy to wipe down.

2/ Im spending an awful lot of my day wiping asses. Usually between the hours of 8.30am and 3pm, the only ass I wipe is my own but my quota has gone up considerably.

3/ Both kids are always moments or inches away from some sort of household accident.

4/ The worst thing that can happen right now is if the internet shits out on us.

5/ People who have never walked or exercised outside now feel compelled to all walk and exercise outside. Multiple times a day. Except of course for our next door neighbours, who haven't walked their three dogs in two years. It seems even this isn't enough to make them walk the poor buggers.

6/ When I do venture to the supermarket or pharmacy, I want to hug any lone old person that I see and ask if they have someone checking in on them.

7/ My daughter swears far more than even I realised.

8/ My son is illiterate and we have spent several thousands on education that could have gone on botox, fillers and private tuition.

9/ My husbands job involves nothing but meetings. Then more meetings to discuss the meetings he just had. When he finishes work for the day, he's then called by colleagues who need to discuss the days meeting and what meetings they need to have tomorrow.

10/ My husband thinks we need lights on in every room all day despite it being gloriously sunny outside.

11/ I spend a lot of time turning off lights we don't need on.

12/ When Im not wiping my daughters ass, I'm preparing someone a snack.

13/ When I'm preparing a snack I'm always being asked to do something else.

14/ When I'm preparing a snack and being asked to do something else, I'm always saying "do you want a snack or not? Because I cant do both"

15/ I'm constantly paranoid that I have a dry tickly cough.

16/ I take everyone's temperature and I ask "do you have a dry tickly cough" a lot more than I should.

17/ Four people on high dose Vitamin C and Zinc makes everyone's wee smell dodgy.

18/ I have no alone time whatsoever, at all, in any capacity and probably wont for many months to come.

19/When my kids (and husband) behave I kind of like having us all together.

20/Our family set up feels more normal than it has ever done in the past. We are no longer the odd ones out. The world is now full of families stuck at home screaming at each other one minute and having a blast the next.



Tuesday 31st March

The bloody house sale has FINALLY gone through. 9 days late but its done. Under normal circumstances, 9 days is not that big a deal but thats 9 whole days that we have lost out on to get The Shit Shack in a habitable state before Pestilence 2020 rocks up in my home town. So not just the smashed glass, the unhinged doors, the soaked and rotten ceilings that need replacing, the leaking roof, the stinky carpets and dirty walls, but The Shit Shack has no curtains, no heating, no cooker, not a single kitchen cupboard or work surface for preparing food. In fact we have no idea if the lone sink in the kitchen and questionable bathroom even function. We do know the outside toilet has no door and that the whole house smells like someone left the stove on making some sort urine and mold soup.

Australia is still trailing a few weeks behind a lot of the world in the COVID crisis so if we go hell for leather we might just be able to do this before its too late. The emphasis in on the "might".

Todays depressing stats for COVID19 in Australia are 4,514 and in WA its now at 355 with total deaths at 19.


Wednesday 1st April

Cant help but notice that April Fools jokes have been a bit thin on the ground this year, in fact its now 6.20pm and it hasn't so much as been mentioned in real life, on TV or on social media. I think it says something about how insanely weird this whole situation is when there is literally no joke you can pull that is more bizarre than real life. I'm pretty sure the triviality of an April Fools joke would be about as welcome as a dry tickly cough right now, so its probably for the best.

No major disasters or hilarity to report from today but we are still attempting something resembling schooling and doing our best not to gain excessive amounts of weight by walking a lot and excising in the garden. I suspect me and my skinny jeans may not be good friends in a few months time in fact they may well of been cut up and turned into face masks.

Todays results show 4,864 cases in Australia with 392 in Western Australia. According to the live update app that I use, the US, Italy, France and Spain all now have more deaths than China. This is assuming of course we all believe the official figures reported by China and I for one am just a tad suspicious.


Thursday 2nd April

Thoughts of the day are the business that will hopefully go bananas with work when this is all over.

Hairdressers will make a killing. Can you imagine the sheer volume of women who have either let their hair grow and need huge amounts cutting off and the three inches of roots we'll all need redoing? How many people will of attempted home hairdressing and need these fuck ups correcting? This is before we get to all the men who shaved their heads and are now in the boufant tennis ball phase of growing it back and have to return to work. Will all primary school boys have Man Buns that need removing? The wait list to get a hair cut is going to be much like the current situation for home delivery from super market. I wonder if the vunerable will get a priority hour at 7am.


Already I'm sensing that my last 4 months of shifting 7kg might just of been for nothing. Whist Im finally back in my skinny jeans, I suddenly cant even show it off in public. By the time I reemerge from Homeschool Hell, Ill be back to my pre Christmas weight and the whole thing may as well of been a dream. I doubt very much that the phenomenon I like to call Fattening My Curves is only happening in my house so it would follow that come September the entire nation will be crying out for dieting and fitness services. Jenny Craig, Weight Watchers, Gyms and Personal Trainers will have a lot of pounds to shift in the next 6 months or so. If our obesity epidemic wasn't bad enough already.


Divorce Lawyers and Marriage Counselors, I suspect will see a boost in business. I think this one speaks for itself as to why. Fortunately, Greg and me have been in semi Lockdown with virtually no outside activities or social life in a decade, so this last month has brought no surprises. Well no surprises as such but a fair few annoyances. Apparently its physically impossible to take any crockery from the office to the kitchen and despite the chances of a "quickie" being completely non existent with both kids home, it is still necessary to ask every time we pass each other in the kitchen. I really hope this doesn't go on in the kitchen at his place of work.

But apart from that, at this stage (with the emphasis on the "at this stage") its really rather nice having him around all the time. But my god I bet a few people are ready to throttle their other halves right now.


K Mart/Walmart and Target for the Aussies and Americans, and Primark for the Brits. These places will be swamped with women with bad hair and greying roots, half done acrylic nails, faded eyebrow tattoos and all carrying a few extra dresses sizes than usual. The sales on elasticated comfort wear alone will rebalance the economy, surely. Considering how early in the game this is here in Australia I am already really struggling with not being able to go to K Mart and buy stuff I just don't need. The other day me and Greg estimated we would save approx $300 a month just on fuel. Secretly I was thinking "we'll probably save double that when K Mart shuts". And thats on stuff we don't need, imagine when you add that to the savings on items we probably do need but are just going to have to go with out?


In other news I had an argument with Alice today about why she cant have her toast "not cooked" because then it wouldn't be toast, it would in fact be bread. It took a lot of explaining in very simple terms and Im pretty sure she just gave up in the end and agreed to "cooked toast" to keep me happy. Reminded me of the infamous "Cold Hot Chocolate" debacle of 2013 with George. Groundhog Day in so so many ways today.


COVID cases in Australia today are 5,137 with 400 in WA. Deaths for the nation are at 25.


Friday 3rd March

Seeing as so many people are asking I thought I'd share a small montage of the residential wonder that is The Shit Shack. This is it in its current state. Greg assures me that for a few thousand bucks and a couple of weekends, he can have it semi habitable. Our original estimations were that we would need to live in this palatial home for approximately 9 to 10 months, 12 months as a worst case scenario. Then the mother of all worst case scenarios happened and we are committed to this move, so now we suspect we could be in The Shit Shack for anything up to 18 months. Dare I even think it could be more? We need to buy a cooker and washing machine as both ours were part of our sale and the washing machine left in The Shit Shack doesnt work and there is only so many things you can BBQ. We know the hot water works and the toilet appears to flush (the inside one does anyway) but that's about it. With Autumn well under way here, its still quite warm in the day time, but mornings, evening and at night is starting to get cold so we need to think about how we heat the place. Air con is something we'll tackle in the spring but with it regularly hitting the 40s in WA, I think we are in for a hot sweaty and pretty irritable summer.

I'll add more pictures when we have tarted it up enough to hopefully move in in 3 weeks time. Then we just hunker down, try and avoid death by COVID and have four of us at home 24/7 for 3 to 6 months. What could possibly go wrong?




Note the breath taking natural light. Modern, stylish brick frontage.


Deluxe, spacious bathroom for a family of four. Stunning laundry room.

Fully fitted kitchen with a multitude of modern appliances.


Feature ceiling and bespoke windows dressings.



Note the feature ceilings flow throughout the entire house. Generous guest bedroom and inviting master suite.


COVID updates are too depressing to post today.






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